Lauren's Looks

Baking | Beauty | Fashion | Chronic illness

Thursday, 27 July 2017

Dear Diary...Let’s have a catch up | Chronic illness: missing out on life, tough times and frustration

I know, I know, it's only Wednesday but I already feel like it's just been one of those weeks, I won't sugar coat it... I've felt AWFUL! I'm talking an extra dose of awful than usual. Dizzy, shaky and achy, and beyond exhausted- I can't decide if I feel like I've been hit by a double decker bus or just completed 8 rounds in the ring with Mike Tyson. 

...Neither are fun just in case you were wondering. 

It's left me feeling annoyed as I've wanted to do and achieve so much. If you'd have told me that this was going to be an almost weekly occurrence way back before I got M.E, well then I wouldn't have believed you...but then again I don't think anybody envisions being trapped inside a body that doesn't quite function properly, heck, I know that I certainly didn't. 

My naive, thirteen year old self would never in her wildest imaginations pictured a life without a social life and energy thanks to one horrible illness. And I'm going to be brutally honest as I very rarely admit it: I feel like I'm missing out. Massively. 

You see, I had it all figured out: wild parties and holidays with my friends, day trips to here there and everywhere, and hopefully a few of those big milestones would have been achieved by now... But nope, my damn body had other ideas. 

I'd be complete and utterly lying if I said that I didn't ever get jealous of everybody else getting on with their daily life as normal, while mine has came to one huge standstill. It's incredibly difficult to watch my friends snapchat stories of them out partying, when I know that I should be doing the same, but instead I'm stuck in for yet another weekend feeling dizzy, exhausted and unable to carry out even the most basic of tasks. 

And do you want to know what it feels like 
to scroll past countless Instagram photos of your friends 
heading to the gym, or out partying when you so desperately want your life back? 
It feels like a painful stab to the heart, 
of which leaves you feeling a little emotionally bruised, that's what. 

I can't tell you just how frustrating it is not being able to live my life exactly the way I want to. When people suggest 'you should make cakes professionally, start a business, you'd make a killing' it's actually soul crushing. Of course I'm extremely grateful that I'm able to blog full time, and I do still try incredibly hard to make the best out of what I can do, but being physically unable to do the very thing I know that I'd love to do is still upsetting all the same. 

I often have weeks like I've just described, and it leaves me feeling insecure (when you feel atrocious you don't exactly feel the best about yourself either- sorry if that sounds BEYOND vain). It also leaves me feeling like I'm the most boring person ever as I can't be as energetic and loud as I truly am, but does that show on Instagram? No, no it doesn't, because I simply don't add it to the caption. 

There's been countless occasions where I've had a extremely rubbish day, feeling unwell, and yet I'll pour a glass of wine, chuck together a cheese board, and then go on to Instagram it- standard procedure, obvs- and people assume that my life is 'perfect', when it feels everything but at that very moment. And the trouble is people often forget that what's shown on social media is just in fact your highlight reel- I know that I certainly wouldn't want to share a photo of me in bed looking washed out, tired and all round rough.

I guess the real message that I wanted to get across in this blogpost is if you're looking at your friends social media posts with envy/sadness/frustration, and feeling awful about your own life, please don't. I can bet you one things for sure that amongst those fancy cocktails are some not so very perfect moments too. 

Everyone has insecurities, and parts of their life that they choose not to showcase for however many thousands on Insta.

A life with constant exhaustion and pain is challenging, and there's no running away from the fact that it's hard to live life to the absolute maximum when you're feeling atrocious each and every day. That huge wave of dizziness that takes over my body when I attempt to stand and start the day is tough, but then I remember that I want to achieve things in life, no matter the circumstances. 

So on that note, here's to becoming a blogger that achieves to produce content even when it does get a little tough. "Difficult roads often lead to a beautiful destination." 

How do you overcome those tough hurdles that appear in your life?

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