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Friday, 11 May 2018

Depression: why it's never too late to seek help, there IS a light at the end of the dark tunnel

It creeps up slowly, dangerously slow, so much so that you really don’t even recognise the signs yourself. 

One bad day turns into a bad week, and then one bad week turns into one absolutely horrendous month, and yep you’ve guessed it, that one awful month then turns into six. With each day that passes you sink further and further, it completely takes over your personality, and before you know it you’ve turned into a complete stranger. 

And that’s depression, it slowly suffocates you... 

It’s being out surrounded by your friends who are laughing whilst in that very moment you feel incredibly alone and zoned out. Everything is happening around you and you’re just sat there feeling numb, with no real explanation as to why you feel so empty

It changed me, it turned me into an absolute monster and everything that I hate in a person. It took over, it turned me into the angriest person ever and it made me lose my true laid back self. I wish I’d have taken action sooner, but that’s the thing about depression, you don’t realise in
that very moment what it’s doing to you. 

I lost my sense of humour, my ability to laugh, my love for life- I actually didn’t even know the person I had become, it was as though a total stranger had taken over my thoughts. Life totally didn’t interest me anymore, I felt too unwell and couldn’t bare the pain any longer, I felt everything and nothing all at the same time: snappy, irritable, extremely angry and argumentative. 

But the thing is I was totally oblivious I was acting in such a way, or more accurately I was in a state of denial for months/years.

I simply refused to believe that I was depressed because I felt embarrassed... ashamed and weak almost. Depression can hit anyone at anytime, it doesn’t care who it picks just like any other illness, but in my head of course that couldn’t be me? After all I was ‘fine’ and dealing with things on my own. Truthfully, I ignorantly thought to myself ‘no, it won’t get me because I won’t let it.’ 

I found myself saying weekly ‘I’ve just got to get through this one bad week and then everything will be fine again.’ And this happened on repeat, things didn’t get better, in fact the more I ignored these feelings and refused to tackle them head on, the worse it got. 

Day by day, week by week. 

And that’s exactly what’s wrong; no one says how they really feel (never 100% anyway) they hold it inside. They’re sad, but they don’t cry in front of others. They’re angry, but they don’t scream. I guess it’s petrifying to share our very brutal feelings, but we shouldn’t be ashamed of being a normal human being with overwhelming thoughts and feelings.

The amount of people who are SO shocked when I open up about my experience and struggles is pretty surprising (or not so surprising I guess, we do live in a world that expects you to look unwell, to actually be unwell, of course.) ‘what, why are you depressed when you have no reason to be, your life is perfect’. 

So when your friend doesn’t answer your calls/texts and you pass it off as being rude, they could actually be feeling broken at that VERY moment, feeling a complete burden to others. Or when they decline meeting up for the third time this month just stop in your tracks and make time to check that they’re okay, really truly okay... you never know you might just save a life. 

To any of you out there who think that you won’t make it though a really bad situation, YOU WILL, it just takes time and a whole load of opening up to others (I’ve found messaging others on Instagram who are going though the same thing has helped me so much, so if you’re reading this and need a cry, please do send me a little message.) 

“We sometimes think we want to disappear, but all we really want is to be found.”

You can also read my other blogpost on depression and chronic illness here. 

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