Lauren's Looks

Fashion | Beauty | Lifestyle

Wednesday, 17 January 2018

Dear Diary... Let's have a catch up | The real reason behind my absence in the blogging world

You may have noticed that for the past couple of weeks...actually, make that months I've completely vanished from the blogging world. It's been so long since I've sat down with a cuppa and attempted to write anything remotely blog related, far too long in fact. And the reason why I know it's been way too long is because the notes section in my phone is overflowing with different blogpost ideas. I mean, come on...that never happens, or at least in my case anyway. 

The truth, plain and simple, is that I simply haven't had the energy to blog. I've missed sharing what I've been up to with you all immensely, but when it takes over an hour to write one sentence it sucks all of the fun out of something you once loved, which is a huge shame. But that's the thing though, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME) doesn't care that it's holding you back. 

And I know a few of you will be thinking 'oh she's a drama queen, it's only writing a few paragraphs- what's so hard about that?'. Throw in the inability to find the right words, difficulty concentrating and remembering, and an all round general feeling of mental exhaustion into the mix, then yes...blogging does become impossible. Oh, and that's only scratching the surface when it comes to symptoms- think list as long as your arm, as they're only the cognitive symptoms.


I've somehow spiralled into the very thing that I promised myself I never would, I've felt extremely down about my situation, to the point of convincing myself that maybe it would be better if I wasn’t alive. Waking up each day and feeling so awful that I didn’t want to be here simply couldn’t go on any longer, so I finally admitted I need a little help, and so started anti-depressants.

Perhaps I'm over sharing by admitting that, but bottling up my frustration of longing to be well is what I believe has caused me to feeling so low. We should never ever mask how we’re feeling, it’s okay not to be okay, and you aren’t weak for seeking help.

The trouble is, trying to get others to understand my illness and how it impacts my life can sometimes seem like mission impossible, and therefore, I put it off completely.

I'm fully aware that the above paragraph seems really moan-y, and 'woe is me' but I'm rarely honest when it comes to admitting that I'm struggling- in fear of what people may say about me- and that needs to change! Plus I feel as though you all deserve an explanation as to why I've done a disappearing act when blogging is my full time job, I feel guilty about not being able to publish content for you regularly. 

Although it's easier to upload a photo of my latest cocktail snap along with the caption 'Cocktail night' *all of the happy emojis* -for example- a much more honest description would be 'I've had an exhausting day and I'm now in absolute agony, on the brink of tears, so this cocktail is me trying to cheer myself up'. I can imagine that brutally honest caption would cheer people right up, not!

To be brutally honest , I'm jealous, so very jealous of people that are getting on with their daily life as normal, whilst mine has came to one huge bloody standstill. Crawling up the stairs in tears, writhing around in nerve pain agony and lying practically lifeless on the sofa isn't how I pictured I'd spend my 20's- they're supposed to be for partying and having fun, right?

Making out that life is all sunshine and rainbows doesn't bode well, but then neither does sharing every intimate detail either. Share too little and people assume you're now miraculously better, on the flip side, share too much and you come across as a hypochondriac whiner. Can you ever win? No, to put it simply! 

And besides, do people really want to hear everyday that you feel as though even breathing and simply 'living' is far too exhausting for your fragile body? That a quick browse around a few shops- which is considered a day out for you- has left you on the brink of tears because the muscle and nerve pains you're now experiencing as a result are excruciating. I highly doubt so! 

So, to finish on a slightly more upbeat note I would just like to say that whilst I haven't been blogging I've been busy trying to use the energy that I do have on maintaining my instagram, taking lots of snaps every now and then when possible- but you'll know that if you follow me on Instagram though. Behind the smile and the 'done up to the nines' appearance it's been a massive struggle to be able to do so, but I can confirm that it's been 100% worth it. 

And on that note, I hope to be back blogging sometime soon. Oh, and how are you lot? I've missed you tremendously. 

Don't forget that you can find me in all of these places too! 

© Lauren's Looks | All rights reserved.
Blog Designs Handcrafted by pipdig