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Monday, 20 June 2016

Dear Diary... Let's have a catch up | Chronic illness: missing out on life, tough times & frustration

Playsuit: Miss Pap

If you'd have taken me to one side at the age of thirteen and told me that my adult life was going to start out the way that it has, I wouldn't have believed you- but then again I don't think anybody envisions being trapped inside a body that doesn't quite function properly, heck, I know that I certainly didn't. 

My naive, thirteen year old self would never in her wildest imaginations pictured a life without independence, close friends, and a social life thanks to one horrible illness. And I'm going to be brutally honest as I very rarely admit it: I feel like I'm missing out. Massively. 

You see, I had it all figured out: wild parties and holidays with my friends, day trips to here there and everywhere, and hopefully a few of those big milestones would have been achieved by now... But nope, my damn body had other ideas. 

I'd be complete and utterly lying if I said that I didn't ever get jealous of everybody else getting on with their daily life as normal, while mine has came to one huge standstill. It's incredibly difficult to watch my friends snapchat stories of them out partying, when I know that I should be doing the same, but instead I'm on the sofa wrapped up in a blanket feeling dizzy, exhausted and barely able to talk. 

And do you want to know what it feels like to scroll past countless Instagram photos of your friends heading to the gym, or out partying when you so desperately want your life back? It feels like a painful stab to the heart, of which leaves you feeling a little emotionally bruised, that's what. 

The only way I can describe life with a chronic illness is by saying that it's almost as though you're walking around with the lights switched off, wondering if they will ever get switched on again. Will I ever get better, and if so... when? And if not, will I ever be able to achieve all of those things that I've always dreamt of? 

I can't tell you just how frustrating it is not being able to live my life exactly the way I want to. I long for the day that I'm able to answer "so, what are you doing with your life these days?" with "I'm a blogger that has a cupcake business on the side" instead of my current reply of "I'm not well at the moment, so nothing". 

It's absolutely heartbreaking having people assume that I'm this boring, lazy girl with no drive for life, as I'm so so far from that it's unreal. Deep down I'm just a bit of a nutter with a crazy personality that loves nothing more than dancing around to my favourite songs and laughing at things that probably aren't even supposed to be that funny. And believe when I say that I'd absolutely love to take up your suggestion of "you should start a cupcake business", if I could I so would. 

My true, barmy personality  

A life with constant exhaustion and pain is challenging, and there's no running away from the fact that it's hard to live life to the absolute maximum when you're feeling atrocious each and every day. That huge wave of dizziness that takes over my body when I attempt to stand and start the day is tough, but then I remember that I want to achieve things in life, no matter the circumstances. 

So on that note, here's to becoming a blogger that achieves to produce content even when it does get a little tough. "Difficult roads often lead to a beautiful destination." 

How do you overcome those tough hurdles that appear in your life? 

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